Warning: this little rant is probably hopelessly disorganized. I apologize, but I needed to write this.

Lately, I have been feeling overwhelmingly inadequate. I've always sortofkindof felt this way, but lately it has taken over my whole being. I think part of the reason I have this problem is because my self-worth is closely tied to my academic performance. I was raised with the "Ivy or bust" mentality. My whole life the end goal was to get into a great school. And I did. It wasn't an Ivy League, but it was my top pick. I was in love. I was buying the apparel, figuring out what clubs to join, what internships I wanted, etc. Then reality hit me hard. I couldn't afford the 60,000 dollar tuition. I had to go to a public university. A good school, but a school in the middle of nowhere with no football team, and ugly brutalist  architecture.

(No matter what people tell you, where you go to school matters. Maybe you can be just as successful with a public school diploma, but you have to work a lot harder. There are so many opportunities available to students at elite schools.)

I was so demoralized. I felt like all my hard work in high school was for nothing. I spent all those hours studying, took all those extra AP classes and joined all those extracurriculars to go to my safety school. Eventually I stopped crying, but I don't think I've ever really gotten over this blow to my pride.

Once I arrived at school, I swore I'd be the best student. 4.0 Phi Beta Kappa and the works. Little did I know, I had already handicapped myself. My class schedule freshman year was brutal. Early morning classes. Every day of the week. Chemistry class that met five days a week. Calculus class that met 5 days a week. Language class that met 4 days a week. A reading intensive philosophy class. These classes were long. Most days I didn't get out of class until 4 or 5 pm. The chemistry class and the calculus class were pre-med weed out classes. These classes required so much time and effort I physically did not have enough time in a day to complete all my work. To add insult upon injury, my Latin professor assigned copious amounts of homework everyday. These assignments were essential to passing the class. I could never attend office hours because I was in class from 9-5 with only a short break for lunch.

I started struggling very quickly. I was behind by the 2nd or 3rd week. Instead of withdrawing from a class. I told myself that I was just lazy. If I worked harder, I could handle the work. Instead of seeking help, I tried to solve my problems on my own. I would belittle myself all the time. If I talked to anyone else the way I talked to myself, it would be considered emotional abuse.

My grades were suffering and I started to feel homesick. I went from calling my parents once every two weeks to everyday. I started pushing my friends away. I rarely attended class. I slept for 12-16 hours a day. I stopped eating. (A very bad idea for an anemic) The only time I would leave my room would be at 2 AM. I would just wander around campus and cry. Sometimes I would walk to Denny's and cry. (There was a lot of crying.) And you would think I felt sorry for myself, but I didn't. I would tell myself things like "Who would even want to be friends with a dumb ass like you? You probably got into this school because of affirmative action. So stereotypical. You lazy black female. You'll be kicked out of school if you keep this up and become a welfare queen. How fitting."

 One day I really scared myself. During one of my "pep talks",  I told myself I would be better off dead.  Suddenly, I realized what I had become. In high school, everyone thought of me as a super confident, extroverted, kind person. Within a few months I had spiraled so out of control I was contemplating suicide. To put it crudely, I shared the shit out of me. The very next day I made an appointment at the university's counseling center. In a few weeks, I learned just how useless the counseling center was. Firstly, there was a wait list to become a regular patient. Secondly, the appointment times were horribly inconvenient. There were a multitude of other problems with my school's mental health system, but that could be a whole novel.

There were other things that led to my unhappiness at school. One of the biggest things was I didn't want to go to med school. All my life, my parents told me I was going to med school. It was the only option. There was never a discussion. One of the reasons I went to public university was to save money for med school. I'm not sure exactly when I realized it, but I did not want to be a doctor. I loved political science. I was terrified to tell my parents. So I thought I would just stick it out and go to med school. This was a huge mistake. I went from loving school to resenting it. I HATED school. It made me feel physically sick. But the thought of letting my parents down made me feel even more icky. I was so conflicted. 

I came home for the summer and I was in shambles and so were my grades. I decided to take a semester off from school, and it was the best decision. I was working on a political campaign, talking classes at community college, and had a part-time job. I was taking classes I liked, had an internship I loved and felt healthier all around.

Going back to school this semester, I did so much better than I did freshman year. But, I did have bouts of depression/anxiety/idk that affected my grades.

Lately, I have started feeling inadequate again. I've broken my foot and spend all my time alone in my house. That allows my mind to wander, a dangerous thing. I have the most irregular sleep schedule known to mankind. I'm taking a summer class and I just can't seem to concentrate. My assignments are mediocre and I'm getting mediocre grades.  I was rejected from the White House Internship Program. I know I should be happy I have several internship offers. But I'm not. I also have come to realize that it is impossible for me to get a 3.5 GPA. Right now, I can't even say my GPA out loud. I've never said it, never written down, and I hate to look at it. I know my GPA doesn't define me, but it sure does limit me. I want to go to a top grad school. It's still a possibility, but the GPA I'll have doesn't make me the strongest candidate. Breaking into Wall Street of consulting? Pretty much out of the question. Being limited by your own shortcomings is one of the worst feelings.

Today, I realized how all of this fits together. My Inadequacy. That's why I've spent 2 hours writing this. But it felt really good. It was nice to finally cry and understand why. It's 7:16 on June 16th 2015 and I'm vowing to make a change. I think the first step is getting professional help because not only want to be rich and successful, I need to be rich and successful. I know I'm a top dog. I know I can be the best. And I will no longer let whatever underlying problem I have limit me. I'll be damned if I do. And from now on, there's no looking back.